my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
