I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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