I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
