I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
and you fell through a lawn chair
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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