...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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