he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize