you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
