I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
