Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize