God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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