I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I lost the right to judge tonight
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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