I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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