yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
