so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
