the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
