I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
