I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
it glows. i had to have it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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