I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
