i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
