Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
