I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I think I sprained my soul last night
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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