please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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