***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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