saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
