I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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