I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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