Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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