Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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