I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
