remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
