you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
