No more Irish car bombs ever.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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