so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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