Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
