Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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