yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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