I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
