I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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