I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
