the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
