Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
