and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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