Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize