don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
3pm strippers are depressing
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
