im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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