We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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