Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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