the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
