So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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