FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
