It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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