I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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