somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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