so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
