Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
