i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
