I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
