Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
