the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
