Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
