Im at strip club and am horny
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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