Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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