He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
