Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
